DAVE BARRY'S LIST OF 25 THINGS YOU WILL LEARN IN 50 YEARS OF LIVING
1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why
we observe Daylight Saving Time.
3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent
sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
6. A penny saved is worthless.
7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never
be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth
is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the
planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the
Middle East will be bitter enemies.
8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is the fact
that, deep down inside, we all believe we are above-average drivers.
10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age
11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
13. There apparently exists, somewhere in LA, a computer that
generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a
new concept, they turn on this computer. After sorting through
millions of possible plot premises, it spits out "THREE QUIRKY BUT
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT," and the executives
turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the
computer spits out "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN
an APARTMENT." Then, the next time it spits out "FOUR QUIRKY BUT
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need
to locate that computer and destroy it with hammers.
14. Nobody is normal.
15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
excited and announce that: The universe is even bigger than they
thought! There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.
16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not and never will achieve its full potential, that word
would be: "meetings."
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people not in them.
18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite
of what the ad actually thinks. For example, if the advertisement
says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the advertiser is
desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other
Oldsmobiles, appeals to old farts like your father.
If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there
are significant differences between these two products, both companies
realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical. If an
advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting
excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains
Sunny Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who
reacted in this way to this beverage would be considered by his peers
to be the world's biggest dip... And so on. On those rare occasions
when advertising dares to poke fun at the product, as in the classic
Volkswagen Beetle campaign, it's because the advertiser actually
thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran for
president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants
Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.
19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all
of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He
will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
20. You should not confuse your career with your life.
21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
24. Your friends love you anyway.
25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.